Flesh-Eating Beavers Could Hunt Down More Humans Due To Climate Change

By Boeotian Boerehater

Reasons why the semiaquatic rodent, Castor canadensis, more commonly known as the beaver, have begun attacking and consuming humans have proved elusive. However, the rise in flesh-eating beaver attacks could be due to anthropogenic climate change, according to renowned feminist glaciologist and poststructural biologist, Silvia “Free Bird” Greengrass.

In a recent column for the Foucault Free Beacon, Xs. Greengrass wrote, “The white, capitalist-patriarchal perspective which interprets difference as hierarchical and uniformity as a prerequisite for equality is intrinsic to the social mechanisms of production which have lead to climate change. In this way you could say that climate change is a byproduct of patriarchy, which naturally enkindles resentment in our native beaver populations. Let us not forget, beavers are monogamous, confined to ‘one man,’ with the basic social unit being the family. They’re also highly intelligent animals. The female beaver, viewing our euro-patriarchal-industrial destruction understands the catastrophe of masculine exploitation which will engulf their world after the passing of our own, should she not take action to radically reconstitute beaver subjectivity so as to liberate beaver femininity from the fascistic confines of the dam-based family prison — this, of course, is why we are witnessing this sudden uptick in beaver attacks.”

Whilst Xs. Greengrass’ thesis has proven exceptionally compelling, Tawdry Suits, of Policy Tank, disagrees, arguing in a recent op-ed that, “Greengrass is, of course, right that anthropogenic climate change is clearly accelerating the situation, but her explanation leaves out the Free Market. Beavers, male and female, are no longer able to compete on a level playing field in the dam industry. Consider that they don’t even have thumbs. Think of how put-out you would be if you didn’t have thumbs, but could see all these other creatures better able to build dams that did, especially after your ancestors were turned into hats by them. They know they could build the Hoover Dam if their paws were more than semi-opposable, and if they could build it, they could compete in the marketplace, and if they could do that, you wouldn’t see this kind of backlash. The answer to this problem is clear: Reparations for the fur trade. Not only would this ease human-beaver tensions, it would give the beavers the leg-up they need to reach economic parity.”